#fail: How to Repel Prospects with B2B Email Campaigns that Go Nowhere

To:  Email List [email protected]

From: Our New Marketing Intern

Subject: Re: Hi! Are you looking to COMPLETELY CRUSH your email marketing strategy?!! Read me! 😊

Dude:

Ever wondered why some email campaigns get results and others go so completely ignored that you find yourself googling the outage map? How is it possible for an email campaign to fail to connect to so many people?

It’s more than possible. With the right techniques, you can craft B2B email pitches so repellent they won’t even be opened by mistake. Here’s how:

• Start with subject lines that are wordy, urgent and heavy on punctuation!!? If the spam filters don’t reject you first, you can almost guarantee a straight-to-trash result with credibility-straining embellishments like “greatest ever,” “like no other” and “once-in-a-lifetime-opportunities.”

• Grab their attention with a flashy clickbait title: You won’t believe what happens at the end of this email! B2B prospects love it when you string them along a bit.

Emojis will show the millennials you “get it.”

In case you don’t, here are a few to get started:

	= A flash sale
	= Customer service
	= Appreciation

• A cool greeting or one that implies you know each other is another good way to establish rapport:

Wassup [name]!                            Hey buddy!                      Hey There Hal – how the hell are you?

• The body of the email is where you really sell your prospect on your company, so make sure to talk only about yourself. Explain how good you are. Tell them what you know.

• Get FUNKY with fonts. Grab eyeballs with a mix of decorative, serif, sans serif, and script.

Flow charts never fail to make you look smarter.

• Don’t waste your money on marketing automation. You can do this – ABSOLUTELY FREE – from your Gmail account. You won’t be blacklisted.

• Hit the internet for a list of email addresses. The bigger, the better. “Targeting” is a buzzword that marketers use to confuse companies into being too careful.

• When someone signs up on your website to start receiving emails, begin pelting them
  with offers immediately! Pew pew.

No email campaign is complete without a meme.

• Follow-up calls are unnecessary. Just keep sending those emails! Think of this as a captive audience for your messaging.

• No one can resist an attachment. People love them. Especially when they don’t know who sent them. They won’t think it’s a virus.

• Don’t optimize for mobile – fewer than 30-60% of your audience reads email on their phones.

In conclusion, here’s a quick overview of how to run your email campaign… into the ground:

Good luck!

…Of course, if you’d rather have your campaigns succeed, we can help you craft a strategy that puts your customers at the center of your messaging and focuses on the solutions they’re looking for.

Reach out to learn more.

Sincerely,

The Innovaxis Team